Press On

I've tried reading the entire Bible before. I've made it pretty far, actually. But in the past, if something didn't sit well, or if it did, I'd say a short prayer, chat it over with Eric, shoot a text to a favorite pastor friend, mention it at a coffee date at some point during the week, write it down in my journal, or maybe do a Google search. And then, move on.

I've been skillful, I think, in dealing deeply with the most difficult passages of the Bible, but managing to keep my relationship with God at the surface level. Because whenever I would grow tired of digging, I'd merely take a break and coast along. Skip the Old Testament. Read a Christian novel instead. Ignore the tough stuff for a while. Avoid the time alone. Sometimes, I realize, I'd take vacations from being a Christian. Not the kind of vacations where you abandon your morals for a what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas type of experience. But the kind where you abandon your pursuit for God because you are tired of asking Him tough questions, waiting for answers, agonizing over answers, having to have all of the answers!

Don't you ever get tired?

I'm not afraid to say it. Once, I sat at the edge of my bed with my forehead in my palms, with my lap full of tears. I told Him, I can't do this anymore. I can't understand You, and I can't follow You. But before I could finish my words, He arrived. He lifted my heart in His palms and He felt familiar. I was convinced that I belonged to Him, and that if I was patient, He could give me everything I would need to struggle through the pain I was feeling. To fight through the doubt that was weighing me down. He made Himself undeniable.

Writing this blog is changing me. I'm only twelve days into the year, and there have been too many moments where I have wanted to just give up and take a vacation from believing what I believe. But at the end of every day, I look back, and I see that I have never been so close to Him. In my first post for Undignified, I said that I was writing this blog for me; that makes much more sense tonight.

And because I'm a teacher, I'll end with this:

As I was driving to church tonight, I imagined that God was my teacher. It suddenly made sense to me why I felt the way I did. Why I was staying up late, puzzling over notes, reading more than ever before, writing everything down, and struggling to understand. If God is the Creator of the universe, imagine how magnificent His disciplines, how vast His knowledge, how intricate His wisdom, how beautiful His art, how puzzling His lectures, how intimidating His intellect, how frightening His power, how gracious His guidance, how immense His patience.

I am at the feet of Jesus, learning. And it hurts. But I have no plans to leave. This year, I will run faster and longer, and I will feel what it means to press on toward the goal that is Christ Jesus, because He is the One who sustains me.